Critique
by generalzoi
Summary: Femmeslash - Astrid and Ruffnut critique each other's outfits.


Astrid slipped out of Ruffnut's grip yet again.

"Dammit! Did you cover yourself with oil or something?"

"Your holds need work."

"I'll show you work, you -- GAH, ow, getoff getoff ASTRID GET OFF!"

Astrid released her hold on the other girl and stepped back. "What?"

"That's what!" Ruffnut said, pointing to Astrid's leather skirt and rubbing her legs where the metal spikes had dug in. "This is why I don't like practicing grappling with you. It's like you're trying to repel an attack on your nether region."

"Wow," Astrid said, glancing down, "only your mind would go there."

"That's exactly what it's like, so shut up. Seriously, what purpose does that serve other than making it really hard for someone to sit in your lap?"

"Maybe anyone who's presumptuous enough to sit in my lap deserves it."

"Aw, I'm sorry Astrid, are the invisible suitors bothering you again?"

Astrid swung at her and managed to clip a shoulder. "Yeah, like I'm seriously going to take fashion advice from you."

"Like you could handle it anyway." Ruffnut rolled her eyes. "Seriously, you're one of the best warriors in the village and you dress like a pretty pretty princess."

"A pretty pretty princess who constantly has to repel attacks on her nether region?"

"Well all the prettiest princesses do," Ruffnut pointed out logically.

Astrid smirked and stepped closer. "And what do you suggest? Giant metal breastplates and one of those lovely horned helmets?"

"They are traditional," Ruffnut said, adjusting her helmet minutely.

"Mmhm," Astrid said. "Traditional or no, I don't think you realize just how inconvenient those things really are. I mean, all I have to do it this -- " She reached out and grabbed one of the horns and used it to jerk Ruffnut's head towards her, while the other girl cried, "Hey!"

" -- and I've got you in my grip," Astrid finished.

Ruffnut twisted her head and shook it free of the helmet. "Oh, and what are you going to do now?"

"Now you don't have any protection. One good thunk oughta do it."

"At least I had protection in the first place." She gestured to Astrid's head. "Yeah, that headband's really doing you a lot of good in a battle."

"You don't wear headbands for protection."

"No, you wear them to keep your hair out of your face, and it doesn't even do that! Seriously, you've got one piece of hair that falls in your eyes, and you don't even pull it back. This," she lunged forward and snatched the headband off Astrid, "is like the most useless thing ever." With that she tossed it over her shoulder.

Astrid smiled and dropped the helmet off to the side. "Maybe I wear it for the looks."

"Things can look good and be practical."

"Oh, like that vest? 'Gee, I'm really cold, but only between my shoulder blades.'"

"It goes with your, 'I sure hope no one attacks me anywhere but my shoulders,' philosophy." Ruffnut stepped close to Astrid and began fiddling with her shoulder armor. "I hate to break it to you, but I'm pretty sure there are other important parts of the body, like the face, and the chest, and -- how the heck is this thing attached to you anyway?"

"Figure it out," Astrid said with a laugh. Ruffnut eventually did, and tossed the armor to the side with a look of triumph.

"I guess that's one good thing about your vest," Astrid conceding, sliding it down Ruffnut's arms. "It's easy to remove."

"See? Practical. Unlike this thing here." Ruffnut reached around for the clasp on the leather skirt.

"It has its uses," Astrid insisted as she undid Ruffnut's thick belt.

Ruffnut threw the leathers to the side with a flourish and took a step back. "Wow, Astrid," she said, eyeing the plain brown skirt that had been revealed, "no wonder you wear the spikes. That thing is raggedy."

Astrid huffed and dropped the skirt as Ruffnut laughed. It got caught on her boots, and she had to kick it off.

"That's the only place you wear fur, isn't it?" Ruffnut asked.

Astrid looked down. "Yeah, and I have noticed my feet get a lot warmer than the rest of me sometimes." She kicked the boots off.

"I wish we had more variety," Ruffnut said as she kicked her boots off too. "Have you noticed, everyone wears the exact same boot?"

"They're comfortable, what more could you want?"

"If I have to explain it to you, you really wouldn't understand."

Astrid shrugged and stepped forward again. "What I don't really understand is why we wear skirts _and_ pants. Turn around."

"To avoid frostbitten knees?" Ruffnut offered, obliging.

"Ah, of course." Astrid reached under Ruffnut's long tunic to loosen her skirt. It fell, and Ruffnut stepped out of it cleanly before turning back around.

"Well," Astrid said, stepping back so that Ruffnut could get a full view. "I think that's everything but the essentials. Still think I'm a fashion reject?"

"Mm, nope," Ruffnut said, rubbing her chin in thought. "That outfit's pretty darn flattering on you. I really like that shirt, by the way."

"Oh, this thing?" Astrid asked, plucking at her top casually. "My mom knitted it for me. Apparently she had lots of very small spools of various yarn."

"It came out really nice. Think I could borrow it sometime?"

Astrid shrugged. "I don't see why not." She smoothly pulled the top over her head and tossed it to Ruffnut. The other girl caught it one-handedly, her eyes never leaving Astrid's chest.

"Thanks," she said distractedly. "I'll take good care of it."

"Good." Astrid crossed her arms and pursed her lips in pretend worry. "Are you sure it'll fit you though?"

"Only one way to find out." Ruffnut dropped the shirt at her feet, then pulled her own off and added it to the pile.

Astrid was now having problems herself bringing her eyes more than chest high. "Um, Ruff, I think you're forgetting something."

"What?"

"The part where you put the shirt on to see if it fits."

"Oh." Ruffnut shrugged, feigning a look of disinterest. "I'm not really interested in the shirt anymore, to tell you the truth."

"No?"

"No. Right now, I'm really liking the look of those pants."

"These pants?" Astrid dropped her hand to lightly toy with her waistband. She stepped back, and Ruffnut stepped forward to match.

"Yeah. I'd really, really like to borrow those pants."

"I don't know." Astrid took another step back, Ruffnut took another step forward. "I really like these pants."

Ruffnut's eyes were shining. "I promise I'll be...gentle."

"Hm." A step back, a step forward. "I think...if you want these pants, you're going to have to come get them yourself."

Now _that_ was a challenge Ruffnut could rise to.


End file.
